A puppy, a meat pie and a push bike.
And so begins this season of the Bachelorette Australia. Episode 1 certainly did not disappoint as we watched the mansion heave with more testosterone than a summer music festival.
We’ve waited with bated breath to see Goggle Box alum Angie Kent side step into the coveted role of most eligible woman in Australia, and I for one couldn’t be more thrilled. Angie’s willingness to say exactly what every woman is thinking when dating is refreshing, as is her quick wit and sass…I’m predicting Angie will be breaking as many egos as she does hearts this season.
So let’s recap how it all unfolded…
“Can I take my shoes off yet. Just kidding…but really?” After watching hordes of suiters parade down the path to meet her, Angie ‘s feet and graciousness are worn out. Cue the entrance of Jess…general douche bag come politician…wearing a synthetic as shit looking cape and carting an ugly ass throne towards her. Once he’s got her seated comfortably he offers her the key to Noosa City and his apartment – vom! As if this isn’t awkward enough at the conclusion of their meeting he picks up his blue velvet monstrosity and makes good to leave, but not before asking Angie, “Can you help me?” to which she responds “No I’ve got things to do!” As he struggles to drag the offending piece of furniture into the mansion Australia finally witnesses a politician doing some hard yakka.
Meanwhile can we get an “Amen” for the undercover brother Brad who has been planted as a decoy suitor to snitch, I mean, help Angie choose the right Ken doll. Brad’s genuine concern for his sister’s happiness puts his poker face to the test as he listens to other blokes talk about her goodies whilst resisting the urge to fly kick them in the gonads or vomit into his beer. Did someone say Bachelor 2021?
Cut to the cocktail party, AKA the 2019 Jim’s Mowing Expo, and it’s every man for himself as the grass cutting commences. Everyone vies to show Angie how big their biceps are by removing their jacket’s under the pretence of keeping her warm. Shouldn’t have bothered fellas, there’s enough heat coming of those steaming piles of bullshit your sprouting to warm the mansion for the next 5 seasons.
Long story short Jess (tacky chair man) says he doesn’t want the yellow rose which grants 24 hours with Angie, the undercover brother steps in to snitch on Jess, Angie confronts Jess, His Royal Highness of Noosa denies it and then claims Jamie was the snitch. Jamie cries, I mean I’d be crying too if I turned up to a black tie event in my work uniform. He laments “I run into burning buildings for a living”, no shit Sherlock isn’t that flame retardant suit getting hot?? All this occurs while the Pantene Posse (Double M Timm, Cairran and Adam) are too engrossed in braiding each others hair to care.
Fast forward some more tears, some more boring as batshit interviews and enter Carlin who basically takes the mower and writes a big “fuck you” in the grass. The Ken dolls are flustered as Carlin looking like he’s just stepped out of a Bond film approaches Angie with a guitar. Double M Timm stops brushing Cairran’s hair long enough to exclaim “You can’t be that good looking and play the guitar”. And he’s right – the man is a dream boat. Kayde ruins the moment by interrupting and attempting to play what can only resemble a drunken house party rendition of Wonder Wall. What we witness here is a boy earning his pocket money with the K-Mart electric mower being schooled on lawn care by the man with the Husqvarna ride on.
The cocktail party resumes…much like this:
“I’m here for the right reasons”
“I want to get to know Angie”
**hilarious comment from Double M Timm**
Cut to the Ken dolls on the podium waiting for the thinning to begin. Enter Osher who speaks in low tones…before launching into his “someone’s died” trademark whisper.
Enter Angie…LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN!
The rose ceremony commences and the Ken dolls are selected in the following order:
Matt..Jackson (the guy that brought the vegetarian a pie!)…Niranga…Hayden (the other fireman who doesn’t whine all the time)…Tom…Mitch (where’d he come from?)…Warwick…Jamie…Adam…Alex…Cairran…Glenn(???)…Scott…**cut to remaining contestants looking constipated**…Double M Timm…Jesse (the good one, not the shit one)…Kayde…and last but not least, Noosa’s worst marketing tool..Jess (the shit one)
So there we have it, Oliver and Josh get the ol’ “gentleman I’m sorry but you did not receive a rose” treatment from Osher and that’s a wrap on episode 1!
Here’s my hot tips for this years sweep:
MVP: Double M Timm for bringing the lols
Front Runner: Carlin (duh)
Villain: Cairran or Kayde