Bachelorette Australia Season 5, Episode 3 Recap.

Move over mowers, in Episode 3 it’s full steam ahead with the ‘dog acts’ – both literally and figuratively!

Episode 2 saw Angie single handedly show Australia how to best to deal with toxic masculinity by metaphorically kicking Jess in the gonads (and to the curb) after his grossly inappropriate behaviour. With harmony restored to the Mansh (mansion) the Ken dolls are free to resume their lives without the presence of His Royal Highness of Noosa and his fugly chair. (Side note – why didn’t the producers give Australia what we really wanted to see upon Jess’ departure from the show…a montage of him attempting to fit the chair back into the car accompanied by Celine Dion’s “All By Myself”)

Episode 3 begins with Angie rewarding Jackson with a solo date for being genetically blessed and looking smoking hot sans shirt while playing a penguin in the group photoshoot. Their date begins with a scenic helicopter ride where neither of them said “Get to the chopper” which, quite frankly, was disappointing. The date goes pear shaped when Angie casually forgets she suffers from motion sickness and Jackson spends the rest of the ride dealing with the very real threat of being puked on. To her credit Angie keeps her shit together until they land and she has a cheeky spew on the tarmac.

Cut to the Mansh where Jamie, Carlin and some bloke who’s name I’ve forgotten are shown having a serious talk about feelings and shit…yawn!

Back on the date, Angie openly admits that she’s not too sure about Jackson as a serious match because at the ripe age of 25 he’s the youngest of the Ken dolls. This must be a real kick in the guts because the poor kid has just nearly worn her breakfast at 25 000 feet! We watch eagerly to see how the whipper snapper takes her admission, only to witness him drop the ol’ “I want to be a young dad” bomb. Angie’s ovaries explode alongside those of every millennial female viewer and the cricket sound effect we hear in the background of the scene is in actual fact the sound of Jackson’s Instagram following growing. Well played Sir. He gets a rose. Angie declares “I definitely cleaned my teeth so I reckon we should kiss” and they live happily ever after…well for the time being!

Next is the group date portion of the Episode which sees Angie put the Ken Dolls on leads and make them do a dog agility course as they fight it out for ‘best in show’. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case (a major disappointment) but it did see the arrival of intruder Ryan, aka ‘the dog whisperer’, aka ‘Dr Do Nothing’.

The Ken dolls are in a flap because:

1) As Double M Timm points out, Ryan is “a good looking bald dude”

2) Ryan is about to cock his leg all over their grass! Welcome to the dog fight!

Is it just me, or has Double M Timm spent too much time with Jamie? He spends the entire pound puppy challenge carrying on like a child who’s had his gameboy confiscated. He’s clearly forgotten the mantra he borrowed from Aussie hip hop legends Thundamentals in Episode 1. Remember Double M Timm “When Billy has a bitch about Susie…it says more about Billy than Susie”.

Ciarran takes out best in show and wins some 1-1 time with Angie. Their cosy champagne sesh is crashed by a posse of puppies…which were way more interesting to watch than Ciarran recounting his nose job and his glory days as a gay club go-go dancer. But alas…Angie seems a bit smitten, revealing that she thinks pommy twinkle toes is good looking. While he might be easy on the eye Angie needs to consider if she wants to spend the rest of her life doing the rumpy pumpy with someone who sounds like Ringo Star- the Thomas the Tank Engine version, not The Beetles version.

Back at the Barbie Dream House, the group date dudes return with Ryan in tow and everyone seems very concerned about their place in Angie’s heart because rather than using Instagram for shameless self promotion, Ryan has utilised the platform to slide into Angie’s DMs – cocking his leg once more and letting rip all over the lawn.

The Cock(er Spaniel) Party commences, and the paws are out. It unfolds as follows…

The blokes make a “pact” not to “dog one another” and give Angie some time to chill between bouts of leg humping. Intruder Ryan is summonsed for the first chat of the evening. Cut to various close up shots of the Ken dolls looking like they could murder a puppy. ‘It puts the lotion on its skin’ Jamie takes matters into his own hands, prompting a serious chat from Double M Timm. His words of wisdom fall on deaf ears. Jamie stalks over to Angie, and (surprise surprise) breaks the pact. Angie chats politely with Jamie whilst looking for the nearest exit. Jamie returns to face the Ken dolls who are not happy. No ‘e’ Haydn tells Jamie he’d better sleep with one eye open, but everyone knows Jamie’s nights are consumed with watching Angie sleep (joke’s on you No ‘e’ Haydn). Meanwhile Mitch proves how truly stupid men are by giving Angie an ultimatum. Angie being the bawss she is doesn’t take his shit and Mopey Mitch spends the rest of the cocktail party being a kill joy!

Cut to the Ken dolls assembled on the podium. Enter Osher…waffle waffle waffle…whispers like someone’s cat has been run over. The thinning begins.

The rose ceremony begins and the Ken dolls live to see another episode in the following order…Ryan (hells yesss-suck it Ken Dolls)…Scott (who?)…Carlin…Double M Timm…Adam (??)…Matt…Jamie (Angie no, he’s going to tie you up and wear your skin)…Alex…Glenn…Niranga…Tom…Jessie…No ‘e’ Haydn.

Osher gives Mitch and Kayde the ol’ low tones “pack your bags losers” while the rest of the Ken dolls pretend they’re sad.

Episode 3 Wrap Up:

MVP: Jackson for being a helicopter hero

Front Runner: Ryan/Carlin

Villain: Jamie

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