If I had a roll of toilet paper for every guy that’s clawed their way back into my DM’s over the past week I’d have…at least 6 rolls of toilet paper!

Now I’m not referring to guys I’ve dated in the past 6 months who are stopping by my socials in a bid to rekindle the flame. I’m talking about creatures from deep! Like that weird ass Angler Fish from ‘Finding Nemo’ with the light tentacle on its head and the messed up teeth!

There’s the guy I pashed in New Zealand 3 years ago, the guy from 2015 Splendour in the Grass whose name I had forgotten, the player from Bali who failed to disclose that he had a girlfriend (and according to social media has since procreated with said girlfriend). THE FOOT FETISH DUDE!

The resurfacing of these CODs (creatures of the deep) has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a thirty-four year old who might pass for twenty-nine on a good day, or that these blokes have made the collective realisation that what I lack in boobs I make up for in personality.

And I hate to admit it, but I was flattered…for all of fifteen seconds. Then I swiftly checked my ego and reminded myself that I deserve better than my own sloppy seconds!

So I’ve come to the conclusion that in these uncertain times guys have begun hoarding single women in the same fashion they’ve been stockpiling microwave meals. This makes quarantine more bearable in much the same way owning fifty-seven packets of pasta does. But, in the case of the lady hoarders, it also ensures that once the meat market resumes the business of bodily contact they’ve got a root (or ten) lined up!

Unsuspecting ladies BEWARE! Your run of the mill hoarder is just a (man)whore in disguise!

Before pandemic pandemonium set in we were all loyal to our local supermarket. Now we’re flirting with the butcher, the baker and the toilet paper maker – so don’t think for a minute the COD who’s just replied to your insta story isn’t doing the exact same thing…but with vaginas!

A COD thinks of you like the family sized pack of Mi Goreng he’s got taking up residence in his pantry. Sure it’s great now, but once he’s released from the clutches of Covid-19 it’ll be relegated to the back of the shelf with the lentils, never to see the light of day again!

So rather than entertaining a COD looking for a Covid affair – take advantage of the mass influx of new talent on the dating apps! I’m not guaranteeing that you’re going to find a unicorn but the idea of a virtual coffee sounds way better than being left on the shelf for a second time by a fuckboy. Just saying!

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